Samy Vellu and his Stamps

When Samy Vellu completed 25 years of his role as a politician over
M’sia,
he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He
insisted the stamp to be of international quality. When the stamps were
duly released, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not
sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief of the Secret
Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the
matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to
Samy Vellu.

He said: ‘Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem
is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!’

Sammy Vellu and his old boss, Mahathir

General Musharaf, Samy Vellu, Mahathir and Gloria Arroyo are sitting in
a
train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely
dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out
of
the tunnel. Arroyo and Musharraf are sitting there looking perplexed.
Samy Vellu is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent
slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Musharraf is thinking: ‘These Malaysians are all crazy after Arroyo.
Samy
must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped
him.’

Arroyo is thinking: ‘Samy must have moved to kiss me, and kissed
Musharraf
instead and got slapped.’

Samy is thinking: ‘Damn it, Musharaf must have tried to kiss Arroyo, she
thought it was me and slapped me.’

Mahathir is simply thinking: ‘If this train goes through another
tunnel, I
could make another kissing sound and slap Samy again.’

——-samy vellu and space exploration

Mr Samy Vellu went for the United Nations’ meeting. He represented the
Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were
discussing about space exploration by the year 2008.
Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate : ‘By the year 2008, China will start their moon
exploration project.’
Russian Delegate : ‘We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time
we
will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon.’

George Bush & Clinton : ‘We the United States will also explore the moon
for the second time.’
Malaysian Delegate : ‘By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun.’

There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate
‘Isn’t it too hot to explore the sun?’
Samy Vellu (after a long silence) : ‘We will do it in the
evening.’

——————– version 2

Siri lain
Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

Lagi-lagi Samy
Samy: ‘…Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat.
Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi
matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respect sama kita….’

Penemuramah: Tapi Dato’ Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi
sana ?

Samy: Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun
jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang,
manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk……

————————–

samy vellu and sign Language
Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw
and was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he was,
he continued his grand tour.

On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for
his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted
sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues.

Samy caught a chicken and showed it to camera. He next took
a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag
and displayed in front of the camera.

Dr Ling was the first to see the video clips. He said, ‘Samy
is telling us that India has insufficient food because he
showed us chicken and goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate
bags of rice.’
The senator watched silently then said, ‘No lah!…what Samy
trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK!!!’

The whole Cabinet was puzzled and look to the man for
an explanation.

The Senator reasoned, ‘AYAM KAMBING BAG!!!’
(’I am coming back!!!’ in Indian accent)

> Samy Vellu on the speed of Pos Laju’s delivery system :-
>
> ‘BESOK KIRIM, SEMALAM INI SAMPAI’ :-) (SATU MALAM SAMPAI)
>
>
>
> At a TV interview, when trying to say he was ashamed, he said:
>
> `Kemaluan saya besar’
>
>
> Samy said in a ceramah:
>
> ‘Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orang-orang kampong disini.’
>
> One pakcik asked, ‘Datuk, sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?’
>
> and Samy gloriously replied,
>
> ‘Kalau takde sungai, kita bina sungai!’
>
>
> Samy’s favorite quote on national television:
>
> ‘Toll naik sikit, manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini toll saya
> punya
> bapa punya kah!’
>
>
> During the water crisis:
>
> ’semua orang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr..!’
>
>
> Regarding social problems:
>
> ‘..orang2 muda sekarang banyak hisap dada..’
>
>
> At a blood donation campaign in Sungei Siput:
>
> ‘…marilah kita semua menderma dara..’
>
>
>
> During the height of the Al-Arqam saga, he said in a press conference,
>
> ‘Saya gembira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes
> Arqam..’
>
>
>
> At an opening ceremony:
>
> ‘Tuan tuan dan puan puan, saudara mara, sesudah semua orang makan
> kenyang,
> sekarang kita mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik ke pentas
> untuk
> membuka kain’
>
>
>
>
> Commenting about his modesty:
>
> ’sebenarnya, kemaluan saya sangat-sangat besar’
>
>
>
> And the best: u know why our N-S Highway concessionaire is named PLUS.
>
> PLUS Highway = Pungut Lebih Untuk Samy
>
>
>
> ’saya berasa bangga dapat melihat pusat-pusat jururawat yang
> cantik-cantik.’.upon opening ceremony for nursing training center
>
>
>
> ‘Saya tidak setuju dan menentang sekeras2nya tuduhan PAS memanggil kami
> kapir …’
>
>
>
> Ucapan Samy Vellu sempena kepulangan angsakawan Dr. Sheikh Mudzafar,
>
> ‘Kita rasa bersyukur kerana angkawasan kita yang telah MENINGGAL DUNIA
> selama 10 hari telah selamat DIKEBUMI

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u

On the way... they met Spaghetti?.. . so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word, Spaghetti then scream...

"WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???.
Then the siew pau say??..

"HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from
Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father
Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list.

He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a
silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this
be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached -
- people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say
80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something I never knew. Hard to
believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next
Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to
immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say
80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something I never knew. Hard to
believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next
Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to
immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...